Posted in I'm not as strong as I wish I was.

My inspiration to BLOG. (My mental Health Journey)

Leaving home was kind of exciting and exhilarating. To be honest. Being far away from the chores, my mom yelling for me to get out of bed every morning at 7(I was a very lazy child), eating the same boring Ugandan food (I really regret calling it boring because now I am in the kind of situation where I wish God could create other types of food). Yada yada yada! You get my drift. But all those thoughts quickly vanished from my mind when I landed in New Delhi on 13th August, 2018. For those that know, the air quality is not so good so my first breath wasn’t that perfect movie like breath. Nope. I was reaching in to my bag for my inhaler as this sharp pain seared across my chest because my asthma was acting up. Wow India!

But my positive self was like, “Girl you got this. New country. New life. New me.”

I’d decided to reset a lot of things when I left Uganda. My mindset, my interests and my body count too so I was really excited you know. Boarding the connecting flight to the airport in Amritsar did not help my starting anxiety. Northern India gets really hot so that’s like 55°C heating up the engines. I’ve heard stories from friends who have had crazy landings. You know those ones you watch on YouTube at 3am. Yeah!!!

Anywayyyy, let’s skip to arriving at campus. I was pretty bad ass until I got here. I’m not even joking. I had last cried in like 2017. (Over some rumors. <eyeroll>) but that’s a story for another day. And it’s not like what you’re imagining. No that Shit was a pain in the a**. I checked in to hostel. Smiled all the way to my room. Taking in my disappointing surroundings (I swear I am not exaggerating. BTW you should check out my campus’ video on YouTube. ( Explains the power of advertising)

It’s not a bad place when you get used to it though. I ate and moved around some more then entered my room, sat on my bed. And balled my eyes out.

It was a good cry. I can’t lie. I quickly got over it though, told myself it would be the last time I’d break down like that and even mentally scolded myself. A big girl like me? Wow. Little did I know the bad days had just started. Ha! The curfew and early classes and late classes. Come on uni! You’re supposed to be cool. But hell nooo. It was a polite version of high school. Only where I’m allowed to use my phone and stuff. The first semester was a blur to be honest. I can’t even remember most of it. All I know is that a lot of people I’d met didn’t really value friendships the way I’d grown up to. They defended themselves saying, “We are all from different countries so where would I even meet you after graduating? There’s simply no point. ” sad. BTW I suck at making friends but when I feel like a person is genuine, that’s the same energy they will get through and through. (We Scorpios are like that. Don’t attack me please.)

I feel like I’m drifting away from the story. Pardon me.

Winter vacation is where the problems began. Being far from home with a few people you know is really hard. That’s when the depression fully kicked in. I guess I’d been telling myself for a long time that I was okay yet in actual sense I wasn’t. I’d always told myself the same thing. “I’m a badass, I don’t cry, I don’t get sad, I’m a vibe… ” blah blah blah. I really wasn’t okay. And on the night of Christmas is when it hit me and I wanted to black out. Just go. Shut everyone out. My depression always made me want a break from the world but I would want to wake up and see who’d miss me. Can’t relate? I envy you.

After that incident, I tried to put myself out there. Went out a bit, did this and that..mmh but I am really not one to maintain fake energy. I’m not all about that so I just went where I was wanted… In this case.. No where. BTW (okay this is the last personal BTW), I’m one of those people where if the invite doesn’t start with, “Rianne I want you there…” or “I want you to come. ” or “I wish you’d come,” I wouldn’t turn up. At all. Even if you paid me. Okay if you paid me, I’d definitely go.

The cold January came with the same sadness. And it wasn’t normal sadness. You know the kind where you get sad because something’s happened or it’s like your period mood swings. This would clench to me. Like a shadow or something. A lot of my happiness became really fake and I’d rely on other people to feel happy. I’d fake laughter, fake smiles, fake interest in what people had to say. I was sick of myself. I grew insecure, questioned everyone’s presence in my life. I thought everyone was out to get me. I was so needy. I wanted attention. Not the good kind of attention. Nah, that stay on the phone and talk to me for hours attention. I was lucky I had the kind of person (a friend) to give me that attention at the time. We were both depressed so we needed it. I got so toxic to the extent that even I realized it. It’s a wonder that I still have friends. (who I am so so grateful for because a lot of them really helped me stay sane)

February rolled in with an amazing gift. Panic attacks. My mind getting clouded, breath coming out hard and fast, physical chest pain on some days, feeling like I was on the verge of tears all the time. I was a nervous wreck and the only people I could explain that to were online. Most times they’d be offline when it happened. A lot of times I’d need a hug. You know those days where you just need someone to hold you real close and lie to you about how everything will be okay. Yeah. My duvet did I great job. This went on for some time and I had a few trusty friends I’d always talk to back home. That period really taught me the value of friendship.

The problem with depression is that when they first symptoms show up, you just keep on sliding and sliding down that sad hole picking up more symptoms. You can only hope you get a rein on it before you hit the depressive pit.

I lost my appetite. It would go like two days without food because I didn’t have energy to walk to the food court. I lost interest in absolutely everything I loved. I felt so worthless and useless. All my self worth deappreciated and I started settling for less, making decisions I wouldn’t have made in my normal state. I got really bad insomnia. Ha! I remember one time before a Media Law Exam in my second year, I went 47 hours without sleep. When I reported for the exam, I couldn’t even think. I did what I could and left an hour later. I developed social anxiety as well and tried my best to avoid any social occasions because I felt like I didn’t know how to act or I didn’t fit in. I’d go on and on about the symptoms but I’m sure you get the idea.

This continued for some time until one random day, I was sitting in my room. Overthinking, when I googled something I’d never googled before. “Painless ways to kill yourself. ” As usual I was crying but this was a whole lot of pain. And non of the tools of an almost painless death were at my disposal. Flinging myself off a rooftop didn’t seem to bring me any pleasure as I’d seen this video of a guy who did just that and splattered on to the ground with just broken bones but still alive. No thanks! Also 13 Reasons why had made slitting one’s wrists look really painful (before they deleted that scene because I went back to watch it to see if it still had an effect on me but I didn’t find it). For some reason, I dosed off and when I woke up, I was so shocked. Like when did it get to this? I then decided to uninstall my whatsapp, deactivate my instagram and all other social apps. Now at that point, you need to remember social media was all I had. Call it a safe place if you like but my safe place was not really “safe”. I felt like I’d been on some sad height and I was suddenly getting sober.

It’s like a switch had flipped. And for the first time, I could see things really clearly. You know when you’re high and you’re walking all funny and saying all this crazy stuff, but at the back of your mind, you can still make really sober decisions? Yeah that’s how I felt. It’s like I’d severed my connection to that sad stuff. It wasn’t like it was completely cut off but wow. It was a feeling I can’t actually describe. I’d been getting counseling from school but I’d never felt that this weird liberation before. I got up and looked at myself in the mirror and laughed out loud and that’s when it hit me. I could be okay.

Healing and getting better.

As I looked at myself, I realized I’d lost a lot of weight. My collar bones (I don’t know if that’s the term) were showing and my stomach was way too small. When was the last time I’d drank water? What happened to my thighs? I couldn’t even see my a**. (those that know me know it’s a big deal) I ran to my bed and pulled out a note book. I love books. Novels, notebooks, not text books. Name it. (okay that was unnecessary) and I started writing. I want to upload the image but I’ll embarrass myself the more and I’m already doing quite a job here.

So I made a table with two rows. One marked “2017” and the other “2019”. Did I want to get back to that girl I was? Yes and No. Some of my old traits just couldn’t fit in to what I wanted to be. I had so much to change; my body, my skin, I had to work on my toxicity, my anger issues, my anxiety, my depression, my self esteem, my self love, my anger at the world, my expectations. All these key points helped me to get a rein on. For 3 weeks thereafter, I tried my best. I could have done better but I did what I could. I kept a journal, exercised a bit, drank 3l of water everyday, prayed everyday, got a a stress app, watched videos of cute puppies on YouTube. Generally did what I had to to change. And it got better. I became more grateful, for the situation I was in and the ones that would come after, for my family, for the people in my life, for being able to breathe and walk and talk and eat and dance.

Of course some days were hard, but they weren’t half as bad as the first time. Instead of crying 5 times a week, it went down to 1 then soon…once a month. (yes I was such a baby). When I felt like I really enjoyed my company and wasn’t a danger to myself, I went out there. Made a couple of friends. And yeah I’m still an over thinker so it is hard to find people that genuinely like you but it’s really okay.

My inspiration to Blog( The actual reason for this post)

In my second year, we were required to set up a blog and I knew without a doubt, mine would be about mental health. I didn’t know how I’d start or what I’d even say but I’m still learning, and still trying. I reach out to those that come to me. We are all going through a hard time. Financially, mentally, socially and physically. These take a toll on us and it’s okay to feel helpless. But what’s even better is knowing that that situation is not permanent and it’s you that has to get yourself out. You have to show up for yourself. It can take days, months, weeks and for some even years but we will all make it. One way or another.

This world is hard enough already as it is. So everyone needs that positive energy to go around. Don’t shun anyone’s sadness or depression. You might be the only one that could help them. Be kind to yourself and to everyone.

Aight it’s time to wrap up this post. I’m not going to edit so I’ll just post it like it is because I’ll start over thinking that people will judge me. So this is raw. Hope you enjoyed it because I actually felt good writing it. It’s long overdue.


It’s key to appreciate everyone and everything in a journey like this. It isn’t one that ends really, but I am glad I am figuring things out. If you have read this far, thank you for being part of my story. It is a big deal to me.

To my mom, for always reminding me I was bigger than my depression, my dad for reminding me God’s the constant in every equation plus my sisters (real MVPs), to my amazing friends that went out of their way to remind me that I was loved and still am. To those assholes that were really mean to me, karma is a bitch but also thank you for teaching me to always rely on myself. (I mean this in a really good way BTW.) and thanks again for reading.

If you would like to share your story, this is a platform for you. Feel free to contact me.

Happy healing! ❤

Posted in The How To Series💜

How to Rewire Your Brain – Neuroplasticity

What I’m really offering you is how to break the habit of being you. Today I’m going to share with you the science behind how to ‘rewire your brain’, which is also known as neuroplasticity. So, if you are the type of person who subscribes to the wants of being able to change aspects of…

How to Rewire Your Brain – Neuroplasticity

How to Rewire Your Brain – Neuroplasticity

What I’m really offering you is how to break the habit of being you. Today I’m going to share with you the science behind how to ‘rewire your brain’, which is also known as neuroplasticity. So, if you are the type of person who subscribes to the wants of being able to change aspects of… […]

Was it consent? Or I was slow!

As told by Ashraf Mwondha A close friend of mine, Mark, had agreed to visit to check on me. I had just moved into a double room at Bavana hostel, one of the great student hostels of Kyambogo University. As I pick him up from the gate, he happens to see his primary school OG […]

Posted in I'm not as strong as I wish I was.

Know yourself,to fix yourself.

Read between the lines: It’s important to say positive things about oneself.

I had a class this Monday and usually, I have my mind on stuff outside the lecture, but today something got my attention. Our lecturer asked us to make a hypothetical advertisement for a phone. We all got down to designing phones and trying to make one that’s really unique. People did go ahead and tried to make outstanding designs as they all wanted to be the best. When we had all presented our ideas, he said;

“The same way you’ve all tried to think outside the box and make a phone brand that’s unique and would make people want to buy it, is the same way you should try to brand yourself.”

And I was like, “Wow. Okay” I did need that message this Monday as I was personally going through an awkward period of not appreciating myself. The effort I put in to designing my phone advertisement is the same effort I should put in to myself because that way I’ll be able to stand out from those around me plus be appreciated by myself and also the people that see me.

So maybe today I’m not talking about something that personally relates to you right now, but I would like you to keep in mind that you are a project that you should make a priority. Keep working on yourself so that you are able to stand out from the crowd. It will also leave you feeling better about who you are. Have a blessed week and month.

To your health

Posted in I'm not as strong as I wish I was.

Random thought.

“And I am learning that the love in the movies is a lie, for no one will want to sit up on a rooftop with you while you watch the sunrise, and talk about the reasons as to why you’re fucked up. No one will beat up or hit the one that messed you up. No one will appreciate you speaking your mind, for that’s only a factor they appreciate when they don’t have you yet. I know there’s somebody for everyone. But what if you could be the one for me? What if you changed, for me? What if you sat up on that rooftop and listened while I cried about all the times I felt worthless? What if we counted all the scars and tried to figure out how to get them to fade? What if you listened to my endless ranting and only appreciated it? That would make you the person for me. I know it. And I would be ready to become the person for you.”
-excerpt from a book I’ll never write.

Posted in The How To Series💜

How to find your real self this year.

The second chapter of the 12 chapter book is coming upon us and it’s best to start reading it with a fresh perspective.

Wheeww!! 2020 has already been a whole rollercoaster if you ask me. And it’s just January!! We had the World War Three episode and then the actual Coronavirus going on. I do hope everyone is safe. I’m just here to give a couple of tips to anyone that needs them. I’ve personally started on some of these, and I am getting better already.

Let’s get right in to it! Since February is coming up, it’s time to accomplish those goals you set for January but never got round to actually finishing.

If you want to find your real self this 2020, try to read everything; books, poems, scripts, name it. Start writing Poetry and travel. Become productive. Put yourself and your goals first, take care of your skin, put good food in your body, save money and stay away from negativity and drama, especially not start drama ( so important). You should bury your past negative self while still honouring that person you were. That’s the journey to discover who you really are.

I wanted this to be really brief, but if you would like me to get in to details, recommend a couple of books or skin products or basically anything, be sure to let me know. Have a fun discovery!

To your health.

Posted in Daily Affirmations

Daily positive affirmation: 6th January, 2020

Love your everything

There are days when you look in the mirror and you’re like, “No, this is not it.” Whether it’s your face, or your stomach or your thighs, it should be it. Sometimes we feel pressured to look a certain way, and it is understandable but you should not let it define you.

Do you know what your body is doing for you? Your heart is pumping blood to every part, your legs get you from one place to another, your hands lift stuff and so on. I don’t think you want me to get into the whole job our body does. So how about for a moment you stop obsessing about how your body isn’t working out for you and you love it?

If you tell your body you love it, it will automatically improve the way you want it to. Growth needs love.

To your health ❤

Posted in Daily Affirmations

Daily positive affirmation: 5th January, 2020

Set standards that make you comfortable.

Many at times, we find ourselves going beyond our limits just to make someone else comfortable. Even if it makes us depressed or even though we are not okay with it.

Today, I am here to let you know that you are allowed to set your own boundaries; say no, turn down the social appointment, refuse to wear the clothes that will make you “fit” in. Whatever it is that doesn’t resonate with your peace of mind is not within your range and should go.

I am not telling you to stay in your comfort zone. No. Do what makes your spirit grow. Happy healing.

To your health

Posted in Daily Affirmations

Daily positive affirmation: 4th January 2020

Value and love yourself enough to appreciate yourself

All mental health issues, even though they start off with different reasons, end up having one thing in common and that is: self love. You need to love yourself in order to appreciate yourself enough.

For example, it can be small milestones. Give yourself credit for getting through one day of school, finishing a weekly diet, you got through work without getting a panic attack, that’s all great. Cheer yourself on. Remember, you’re your number one support system so be kind to yourself.

To your health

Posted in Daily Affirmations

Daily positive affirmation: 3rd January, 2020

Positive self comparison goes along way in making one better.

In my earlier posts, I once mentioned “comparison will kill you.” And that is still what I stand by, but what if it was positive comparison? What if you compared yourself to your younger self? The self that let in toxic people? The self that put up with abuse? The self that wallowed in self pity? If you look within yourself right now, have you grown? Have you stopped putting up with toxic relationships? How far have you come with turning down negativity?

If it’s a long way, then kudos! When you compare yourself with you, you grow within yourself.

On this day, I hope you flourish. Happy new year!

To your health.