Posted in I'm not as strong as I wish I was.

My inspiration to BLOG. (My mental Health Journey)

Leaving home was kind of exciting and exhilarating. To be honest. Being far away from the chores, my mom yelling for me to get out of bed every morning at 7(I was a very lazy child), eating the same boring Ugandan food (I really regret calling it boring because now I am in the kind of situation where I wish God could create other types of food). Yada yada yada! You get my drift. But all those thoughts quickly vanished from my mind when I landed in New Delhi on 13th August, 2018. For those that know, the air quality is not so good so my first breath wasn’t that perfect movie like breath. Nope. I was reaching in to my bag for my inhaler as this sharp pain seared across my chest because my asthma was acting up. Wow India!

But my positive self was like, “Girl you got this. New country. New life. New me.”

I’d decided to reset a lot of things when I left Uganda. My mindset, my interests and my body count too so I was really excited you know. Boarding the connecting flight to the airport in Amritsar did not help my starting anxiety. Northern India gets really hot so that’s like 55°C heating up the engines. I’ve heard stories from friends who have had crazy landings. You know those ones you watch on YouTube at 3am. Yeah!!!

Anywayyyy, let’s skip to arriving at campus. I was pretty bad ass until I got here. I’m not even joking. I had last cried in like 2017. (Over some rumors. <eyeroll>) but that’s a story for another day. And it’s not like what you’re imagining. No that Shit was a pain in the a**. I checked in to hostel. Smiled all the way to my room. Taking in my disappointing surroundings (I swear I am not exaggerating. BTW you should check out my campus’ video on YouTube. ( Explains the power of advertising)

It’s not a bad place when you get used to it though. I ate and moved around some more then entered my room, sat on my bed. And balled my eyes out.

It was a good cry. I can’t lie. I quickly got over it though, told myself it would be the last time I’d break down like that and even mentally scolded myself. A big girl like me? Wow. Little did I know the bad days had just started. Ha! The curfew and early classes and late classes. Come on uni! You’re supposed to be cool. But hell nooo. It was a polite version of high school. Only where I’m allowed to use my phone and stuff. The first semester was a blur to be honest. I can’t even remember most of it. All I know is that a lot of people I’d met didn’t really value friendships the way I’d grown up to. They defended themselves saying, “We are all from different countries so where would I even meet you after graduating? There’s simply no point. ” sad. BTW I suck at making friends but when I feel like a person is genuine, that’s the same energy they will get through and through. (We Scorpios are like that. Don’t attack me please.)

I feel like I’m drifting away from the story. Pardon me.

Winter vacation is where the problems began. Being far from home with a few people you know is really hard. That’s when the depression fully kicked in. I guess I’d been telling myself for a long time that I was okay yet in actual sense I wasn’t. I’d always told myself the same thing. “I’m a badass, I don’t cry, I don’t get sad, I’m a vibe… ” blah blah blah. I really wasn’t okay. And on the night of Christmas is when it hit me and I wanted to black out. Just go. Shut everyone out. My depression always made me want a break from the world but I would want to wake up and see who’d miss me. Can’t relate? I envy you.

After that incident, I tried to put myself out there. Went out a bit, did this and that..mmh but I am really not one to maintain fake energy. I’m not all about that so I just went where I was wanted… In this case.. No where. BTW (okay this is the last personal BTW), I’m one of those people where if the invite doesn’t start with, “Rianne I want you there…” or “I want you to come. ” or “I wish you’d come,” I wouldn’t turn up. At all. Even if you paid me. Okay if you paid me, I’d definitely go.

The cold January came with the same sadness. And it wasn’t normal sadness. You know the kind where you get sad because something’s happened or it’s like your period mood swings. This would clench to me. Like a shadow or something. A lot of my happiness became really fake and I’d rely on other people to feel happy. I’d fake laughter, fake smiles, fake interest in what people had to say. I was sick of myself. I grew insecure, questioned everyone’s presence in my life. I thought everyone was out to get me. I was so needy. I wanted attention. Not the good kind of attention. Nah, that stay on the phone and talk to me for hours attention. I was lucky I had the kind of person (a friend) to give me that attention at the time. We were both depressed so we needed it. I got so toxic to the extent that even I realized it. It’s a wonder that I still have friends. (who I am so so grateful for because a lot of them really helped me stay sane)

February rolled in with an amazing gift. Panic attacks. My mind getting clouded, breath coming out hard and fast, physical chest pain on some days, feeling like I was on the verge of tears all the time. I was a nervous wreck and the only people I could explain that to were online. Most times they’d be offline when it happened. A lot of times I’d need a hug. You know those days where you just need someone to hold you real close and lie to you about how everything will be okay. Yeah. My duvet did I great job. This went on for some time and I had a few trusty friends I’d always talk to back home. That period really taught me the value of friendship.

The problem with depression is that when they first symptoms show up, you just keep on sliding and sliding down that sad hole picking up more symptoms. You can only hope you get a rein on it before you hit the depressive pit.

I lost my appetite. It would go like two days without food because I didn’t have energy to walk to the food court. I lost interest in absolutely everything I loved. I felt so worthless and useless. All my self worth deappreciated and I started settling for less, making decisions I wouldn’t have made in my normal state. I got really bad insomnia. Ha! I remember one time before a Media Law Exam in my second year, I went 47 hours without sleep. When I reported for the exam, I couldn’t even think. I did what I could and left an hour later. I developed social anxiety as well and tried my best to avoid any social occasions because I felt like I didn’t know how to act or I didn’t fit in. I’d go on and on about the symptoms but I’m sure you get the idea.

This continued for some time until one random day, I was sitting in my room. Overthinking, when I googled something I’d never googled before. “Painless ways to kill yourself. ” As usual I was crying but this was a whole lot of pain. And non of the tools of an almost painless death were at my disposal. Flinging myself off a rooftop didn’t seem to bring me any pleasure as I’d seen this video of a guy who did just that and splattered on to the ground with just broken bones but still alive. No thanks! Also 13 Reasons why had made slitting one’s wrists look really painful (before they deleted that scene because I went back to watch it to see if it still had an effect on me but I didn’t find it). For some reason, I dosed off and when I woke up, I was so shocked. Like when did it get to this? I then decided to uninstall my whatsapp, deactivate my instagram and all other social apps. Now at that point, you need to remember social media was all I had. Call it a safe place if you like but my safe place was not really “safe”. I felt like I’d been on some sad height and I was suddenly getting sober.

It’s like a switch had flipped. And for the first time, I could see things really clearly. You know when you’re high and you’re walking all funny and saying all this crazy stuff, but at the back of your mind, you can still make really sober decisions? Yeah that’s how I felt. It’s like I’d severed my connection to that sad stuff. It wasn’t like it was completely cut off but wow. It was a feeling I can’t actually describe. I’d been getting counseling from school but I’d never felt that this weird liberation before. I got up and looked at myself in the mirror and laughed out loud and that’s when it hit me. I could be okay.

Healing and getting better.

As I looked at myself, I realized I’d lost a lot of weight. My collar bones (I don’t know if that’s the term) were showing and my stomach was way too small. When was the last time I’d drank water? What happened to my thighs? I couldn’t even see my a**. (those that know me know it’s a big deal) I ran to my bed and pulled out a note book. I love books. Novels, notebooks, not text books. Name it. (okay that was unnecessary) and I started writing. I want to upload the image but I’ll embarrass myself the more and I’m already doing quite a job here.

So I made a table with two rows. One marked “2017” and the other “2019”. Did I want to get back to that girl I was? Yes and No. Some of my old traits just couldn’t fit in to what I wanted to be. I had so much to change; my body, my skin, I had to work on my toxicity, my anger issues, my anxiety, my depression, my self esteem, my self love, my anger at the world, my expectations. All these key points helped me to get a rein on. For 3 weeks thereafter, I tried my best. I could have done better but I did what I could. I kept a journal, exercised a bit, drank 3l of water everyday, prayed everyday, got a a stress app, watched videos of cute puppies on YouTube. Generally did what I had to to change. And it got better. I became more grateful, for the situation I was in and the ones that would come after, for my family, for the people in my life, for being able to breathe and walk and talk and eat and dance.

Of course some days were hard, but they weren’t half as bad as the first time. Instead of crying 5 times a week, it went down to 1 then soon…once a month. (yes I was such a baby). When I felt like I really enjoyed my company and wasn’t a danger to myself, I went out there. Made a couple of friends. And yeah I’m still an over thinker so it is hard to find people that genuinely like you but it’s really okay.

My inspiration to Blog( The actual reason for this post)

In my second year, we were required to set up a blog and I knew without a doubt, mine would be about mental health. I didn’t know how I’d start or what I’d even say but I’m still learning, and still trying. I reach out to those that come to me. We are all going through a hard time. Financially, mentally, socially and physically. These take a toll on us and it’s okay to feel helpless. But what’s even better is knowing that that situation is not permanent and it’s you that has to get yourself out. You have to show up for yourself. It can take days, months, weeks and for some even years but we will all make it. One way or another.

This world is hard enough already as it is. So everyone needs that positive energy to go around. Don’t shun anyone’s sadness or depression. You might be the only one that could help them. Be kind to yourself and to everyone.

Aight it’s time to wrap up this post. I’m not going to edit so I’ll just post it like it is because I’ll start over thinking that people will judge me. So this is raw. Hope you enjoyed it because I actually felt good writing it. It’s long overdue.

Appreciation.

It’s key to appreciate everyone and everything in a journey like this. It isn’t one that ends really, but I am glad I am figuring things out. If you have read this far, thank you for being part of my story. It is a big deal to me.

To my mom, for always reminding me I was bigger than my depression, my dad for reminding me God’s the constant in every equation plus my sisters (real MVPs), to my amazing friends that went out of their way to remind me that I was loved and still am. To those assholes that were really mean to me, karma is a bitch but also thank you for teaching me to always rely on myself. (I mean this in a really good way BTW.) and thanks again for reading.

If you would like to share your story, this is a platform for you. Feel free to contact me.

Happy healing! ❤

Posted in I'm not as strong as I wish I was.

Know yourself,to fix yourself.

Read between the lines: It’s important to say positive things about oneself.

I had a class this Monday and usually, I have my mind on stuff outside the lecture, but today something got my attention. Our lecturer asked us to make a hypothetical advertisement for a phone. We all got down to designing phones and trying to make one that’s really unique. People did go ahead and tried to make outstanding designs as they all wanted to be the best. When we had all presented our ideas, he said;

“The same way you’ve all tried to think outside the box and make a phone brand that’s unique and would make people want to buy it, is the same way you should try to brand yourself.”

And I was like, “Wow. Okay” I did need that message this Monday as I was personally going through an awkward period of not appreciating myself. The effort I put in to designing my phone advertisement is the same effort I should put in to myself because that way I’ll be able to stand out from those around me plus be appreciated by myself and also the people that see me.

So maybe today I’m not talking about something that personally relates to you right now, but I would like you to keep in mind that you are a project that you should make a priority. Keep working on yourself so that you are able to stand out from the crowd. It will also leave you feeling better about who you are. Have a blessed week and month.

To your health

Posted in I'm not as strong as I wish I was.

Random thought.

“And I am learning that the love in the movies is a lie, for no one will want to sit up on a rooftop with you while you watch the sunrise, and talk about the reasons as to why you’re fucked up. No one will beat up or hit the one that messed you up. No one will appreciate you speaking your mind, for that’s only a factor they appreciate when they don’t have you yet. I know there’s somebody for everyone. But what if you could be the one for me? What if you changed, for me? What if you sat up on that rooftop and listened while I cried about all the times I felt worthless? What if we counted all the scars and tried to figure out how to get them to fade? What if you listened to my endless ranting and only appreciated it? That would make you the person for me. I know it. And I would be ready to become the person for you.”
-excerpt from a book I’ll never write.

Posted in The How To Series💜

How to find your real self this year.

The second chapter of the 12 chapter book is coming upon us and it’s best to start reading it with a fresh perspective.

Wheeww!! 2020 has already been a whole rollercoaster if you ask me. And it’s just January!! We had the World War Three episode and then the actual Coronavirus going on. I do hope everyone is safe. I’m just here to give a couple of tips to anyone that needs them. I’ve personally started on some of these, and I am getting better already.

Let’s get right in to it! Since February is coming up, it’s time to accomplish those goals you set for January but never got round to actually finishing.

If you want to find your real self this 2020, try to read everything; books, poems, scripts, name it. Start writing Poetry and travel. Become productive. Put yourself and your goals first, take care of your skin, put good food in your body, save money and stay away from negativity and drama, especially not start drama ( so important). You should bury your past negative self while still honouring that person you were. That’s the journey to discover who you really are.

I wanted this to be really brief, but if you would like me to get in to details, recommend a couple of books or skin products or basically anything, be sure to let me know. Have a fun discovery!

To your health.

Posted in Uncategorized

How to love yourself.

“And if I asked you to name all the things that you love, how long would you take to say your name?”

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self love
Hope you are ready for your self love journey.

I don’t know about you but I’ve had days where I have woken up, and looked in the mirror and not liked what I see.
I’ve had days when I sat in my room obsessing over the fact that I didn’t look a certain type of way and all I can say is it is not a great feeling.

One of the reasons I actually wrote this post was because of a tweet I read. It spoke to me.

Stop putting things before yourself.

(I defined clout in one of my Posts)

Self love comes with knowing the real you. You cannot love something or someone you do not know so in the same way, get to know yourself. That way, you’ll be able to love yourself .

Exploring who you are is no easy feat. Honestly! But I am here to help you figure it out.
First I want to give you some things to remember. As you progress in this journey of life, you need to have a strong mindset.

  • Self love has nothing to do with others. Respect yourself and exhibit some sort of self-esteem. Knowing that no matter what cruel things the world may throw your way, you are a unique individual with complexity that needs not to be understood. We are our own biggest critic but don’t critique yourself into depression. We all have depressive moments often in our lives, make sure to love your self when it seems as if nothing else in the world has love to give.
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  • Make yourself a priority. Be kind to others but if something isn’t kind to your soul, don’t engage in it.
  • Remember you are stuck with yourself forever. Most people and things that we have in our lives are temporary and they are just passing by.
  • You are enough. Have always been and you will always be. One of the positive affirmations I tell myself when I feel low or not good enough. Short as it may seem, it goes a long way in making you feel worthy.
    affirm
  • In order to love yourself, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you. Embrace your past and the lessons it taught you. That way you make peace with it and it can’t make you feel worse.

So some of the ways you can start your self love journey are right here and they don’t cost a penny.

  • Get enough rest. Sleep, take power naps or whatever gets your body some rest. That way, you get up feeling better and ready to tackle your challenges.
  • Exercise and drink a lot of water. The body is ours to take care of and if we don’t keep it in good shape and a healthy state, we definitely end up feeling worse about ourselves.
  • Keep a journal. I know some people do not like writing that much but one thing about keeping a journal is that it is at your own pace. You don’t need to write in it everyday and you get to add whatever you feel like. If you’re wondering what to write in it, try writing what you love about yourself or the good things in your life, your dreams and aspirations, your to do list or any random stuff you see when you go out in the world. When you regularly do that, trust me you’ll be able to get stuff off your mind and in to your trusty journal.
  • Make a list of positive affirmations and read it everyday. Even better, you could record it and listen to it whenever you feel low. If you aren’t your number one support system, then other people can not be able to support you that well. (refer to the above image for some examples.)
  • Know what you want and don’t settle for less. Sometimes we take what’s on the table when we don’t have many options but when you are in control, never ever let yourself get half things. It’s like putting so much effort in to making a cake and you let it come out half baked. Do not accept half love, half friendships, half relationships. Generally anything that doesn’t make you feel so good about yourself shouldn’t be in your life.
  • That takes us to the next point. Surround yourself with people that make you feel better. Be it friends, partners and even family. You have the right to choose who goes and who stays. It’s your life after all.
  • Take care of yourself. This can be in the small ways like getting up, saying a prayer, washing up and dressing nice. It goes all the way to buying Yourself something nice or taking yourself on a vacation. Treat yourself right.
  • In the world we live in today, social media has brought up most of the issues people face concerning self love. So take a break. I discussed This is in Confessions of a Socialholic. Do check it out if you need it.
  • Make a playlist for yourself. Music is a drug. It’s like therapy. I have a couple of friends that say music healed them and it helps me too. There’s no greater joy than plugging in your earphones and vibing to something beautiful. It helps you to also get in tune with your soul. I shall compile a playlist in the next post with a couple of self love songs from different genres to start with.

I know it is hard, but if you are trying, that is enough.

You are enough.

To your health ❤

Posted in Uncategorized

Fake energy, stay far away.

This year I only want to be around people that love me, not those that pretend they do.

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“But she wouldn’t do that to me, we have been friends for so long. ” A common tale. As social animals, man tends to reach out to those around them to establish bonds called friendship but in today’s society, most of these ties have become emotionally draining and don’t necessarily give you the zeal to associate.

These days, you may think you know someone so well. You think there isn’t a knife in your back. And then they twist it. (popularly known as backstabbing.)

I am sure most of you know how to identify fake friends so I won’t get deep into it. (unless otherwise)

A scene from F. R. I. E. N. D. S (a popular series)

Once we leave high school, we see who your real friends are. You learn that people change. Someone who you thought was your best friend will cut you off completely. Some of us enter high school with plenty of friends and end with only a few close ones. Others of us enter high school with only a few close friends and end with no friends at all. It’s just how life is. It’s like that sometimes. It is awful but it happens to almost everyone.

But then the big questions are:

Are you a real friend to your friends? Are these real friends to you?

Identify your real friends then try to keep them so that you don’t keep the cycle of fake friends going.

1. Be kind to your friends and listen to them. Discarding your friends’ opinions or concerns can get you a spot as a fake friend especially if your friend is usually on the listening end of your troubles so try to listen to them even if you feel like what they are saying to you is not so relevant.

2. When a person trusts you, value that trust. Getting to trust someone is not easy so when someone entrusts you with information or a secret, treasure that and do not tell on them. Betraying someone is one of the traits of a fake friend.

3. Do not try to be friends with everyone. I read a quote somewhere that said, “A friend to all is a friend to none. ” and I concur. I believe that no one would want to trust someone that seems to talk to everyone just in case their secrets get out. One thing to remember also is a smaller circle only means less drama.

4. Do not get in to a friendship based on expectations. If you are with someone for something other than love and mutual understanding, then I’ll have you know that you have merely made that person your acquaintance and you should not make them rely on you as a friend.

5. Love and love genuinely. Love from the bottom of your heart. Love unconditionally. Love even in their toughest moments. Real friends are always there no matter how hard a situation is.

Real friends contribute to someone having mental peace and if you aren’t one, please stop keeping someone up all night thinking they have something wrong with them. Be all in or not at all and see how your friendships get better.
I’ll expand on this topic if need be.

To your health ❤

Posted in Uncategorized

Confessions of a Socialholic

Social media applications should not be a drug in our lives.

According to Urban Dictionary,
Socialholic (adj.) is A person with a severe dependency on social networks.
Accepting that you are a Socialholic is rather difficult and it is almost hard to realize that you are one. But do you frequently post, comment and read the feeds of your friends and the people you follow with complete disregard to those around you? If the answer to this is positive, then you just might be a Socialholic.

Let us just do a small Q&A where you get to keep the answers to yourself.
1. When you wake up, do you check your social media? Such as your twitter or Instagram or Pinterest or Facebook instead of ordinarily going about your day?
2. How constantly do you obsess over your followers on twitter or Instagram? The likes on your posts, the retweets on your tweets, the comments on your YouTube videos, the saves on your pins? All these small actions unconsciously contribute to your likelihood of being a Socialholic.
3. How many times in a conversation with your mates do you “casually” mention your latest posts or the number of views on your video or actually tell them to like your posts?
4. Do you ever go through a rather private situation and you feel like posting it on your WhatsApp status or Instagram story to get pity from the people that view it?
5. Do you frequently think about what people are going to think when you post something? Do you also end up deleting it when the likes or views are not as many as you hoped they’d be?
6. When someone asks you what you possibly can’t live without, is your phone the first thing you think about? That’s okay but do you think about how you won’t be able to keep up with something on your social media? If yes, there you have it.

If the answers to this are mostly positive, you are probably a Socialholic. It is okay to get defensive about it too. No one likes to feel like they are getting hooked on to something that doesn’t have much life. Personally, there were a whole lot of reasons I gave before I accepted that I had a tiny problem. One of them was, most of my friends are far away from me so my phone is the only way I could stay in touch with them. In reality, that was true but there are alternatives I could have and finally considered instead of just succumbing to that.
Being a Socialholic can also mean you have an uncontrollable desire to need to share every event that happens to you on social networking sites.
That’s okay. To want to share everything that happens to you on social media but you have to be wary sometimes. In the world we live in now, not everyone in our lives wants to see us happy. Some people celebrate when we are in pain or when life is not exactly going well for us. So you need to keep some things private. You owe yourself that.
You probably think this is something unimportant but maybe it is one of the reasons that your mental health is not as good as you wish it was. Mental health is a very important factor in making us the people we are. Being able to have a sound emotional mindset is a vital key tp happiness.
As we have tackled some of the few signs of one being a Socialholic, let’s see some ways you can tone it down.

1. Acceptance is key. A line I have been told in every counseling session I have been for is this. Accept you have a something to fix then do something about it. Before you accept that, you can’t change because you can not change what you think you don’t have. Once you work on that, it takes us to the next step.

2. Detoxify. The mind is part of the body and it too should have it’s own time to make peace with itself and be okay. You can do this by :
• Connect with your spirituality. For those that believe that a greater power governs us, sit down in a quiet place, shut your eyes and connect with that spirit.
Pray to your God or gods to give you the peace of mind and strength to keep loving yourself enough not to be disoriented by the fake expectations that social media society is creating. That will put you in charge of your emotions and you will definitely feel more refreshed.
• Taking breaks off social media. You do not have to deactivate or delete your account. Just uninstall the app for a couple of days til you get your vibe again.
• Unfollow people that make you feel bad about yourself. I read a quote somewhere that said, “Comparison will kill you” and truer words were never spoken.

When some people log on to Instagram, they sometimes look at those Instagram models and unconsciously compare themselves to those models. Yeah unconsciously. This happens when you save a post and feel awful that you do not look as good. It is okay for it to be a motivating factor. One that pushes you on to get that new car or save for that new watch or even work out for that “bikini body” That’s all okay but if looking at those people makes you hate yourself for not being as perfect or kills your morale inside even a bit, then please uninstall the application, put down that phone, get your journal and make a list of all the good things in your life. This helps you realize your life is not as unfortunate and you become grateful. Self love is key and you can not attain that if you don’t appreciate what you have in your life. However little.

Remind yourself that some of these people are going through lengths to look that way and are merely doing all of that for “clout.”
• Do not post things to get attention. Do it because you want to. The pleasure in that Is more than satisfying and nothing will daunt you after.
• Love yourself. I will say it again. LOVE YOURSELF ❤
Appreciate yourself. You have come a long way,no matter how young you are. You have been through something no one else has been through and that is this one life you have. Give yourself some credit and be kind to yourself.
3. Take care of yourself. Spend on yourself, do makeovers, go get a hairdo, take yourself to a nice restaurant. If you want to really be like those social media models, then do something about it in a way that you benefit from.
4. More reading and less phone time. A lot of people say that they use their phones to read books and novels but the distractions are endless. I love me a paperback novel and a quiet spot where you can set your imagination on fire. That helps too.
5. Put your phone down and take know the world around you. Make new friends, visit people, a hospital if you must. There are a lot of beautiful things around us that we tend to ignore because we are too busy looking at what Is far away. That’s got to stop.
Stopping a habit is never easy, but you have got to try. Baby steps, day by day. You could meditate for thirty minutes today and an hour the next. Before you know it, you’ll become rather comfortable with or without your phone.
Try to make yourself happy with the small pleasures in life and see it get better for you. Feel free to add to this. I shall be able to publish a couple more pointers in my next post. Thanks for reading.
To your health. ❤